i will lift my eyes

I may be the worst blogger of all time. I have been so busy with finals, and then recuperating from finals, and then working full-time during break that I haven't even thought about this poor, lonely little blog. I had (still have) a really cute + fun post planned about little gifts I made for my bridesmaids, but I have something else that I need to write about that is much more important and is weighing heavily on my heart today.

As many of you likely know, I am a senior + a psychology major at SPU. Since my very first psychology class during the very first quarter of my college career, I fell in love with it. I couldn't get enough, and I have been basically obsessed with it ever since. It was scary and wonderful to find something that I loved, and I realized that my calling was to be a therapist. It took the first two years to find out what that really meant (what populations I wanted to work with, what schooling I needed/wanted, etc) but eventually I decided I will be applying to SPU's Marriage & Family Therapy program for fall of 2012.. So let's keep our fingers crossed that I get in. :) But anyway.. All of that is just kind of background information to what I'm really getting at.

Part of graduating with a psychology degree at SPU is having an internship - SPU has a big long list of different internship sites. It spans just about every area: case management, working in prisons, Union Gospel Mission, working with children, etc. Last year I started looking at the sites to figure out what I wanted to do, and I realized I had no idea. I just needed to start getting experience, and soon! So I started calling up a few internship sites and figuring out where I could go. One of the first places that I contacted was an intensive residential treatment for severely emotionally and behaviorally impaired children who have experienced abuse and neglect. A lot of the sites were full or not accepting interns until fall (it was summer at the time), but about a month later I received an email from the hiring supervisor from this site, and before I knew it they were asking me when I wanted to start!

At first, I was terrified. I had never worked with children who had these types of emotional, behavioral and developmental issues. They were pretty little kids - 6-12 years old. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, and I wasn't really given much guidance other than to ask questions if I needed help. I promised myself I would just stay until the end of the summer - even if I hated it, it would help me figure out what I did (or didn't) want to do with my future career.

My first day came around, and it was much different than I expected. It was basically a giant home, filled with lots of kids, doing pretty normal things all day. During the school year they attend public school, but since it was summer they did activities that every other child would - rode bikes, played video games, went on fun outings around the area, colored, etc. But some things weren't so 'normal'. My first day I had one of the little girls hold my hand and tell me she used to hold hands with her mommy before she went to sleep. Comments like these were made out of complete innocence; they weren't said to elicit a certain response. These kids, for one reason or another, ended up here. Drugs, violence, neglect, abuse.. The list of reasons why each child there is unique, and goes on and on. But all of them are heartbreaking.

My first 4 or 5 shifts, I cried the entire drive home. My heart was aching for these children. I was angry and I was confused. How could these parents abandon these precious children? What could possibly possess anyone to hurt or neglect them? I had no answers for questions that were breaking my heart daily. I have always wanted to fix and save everyone in the world - this was no different. I wanted to magically repair all the damage that had been done to every child and somehow erase all the evil that had infiltrated their lives. But I couldn't. And I felt hopeless.

Eventually, it got easier to deal with. Knowing what these children had been through was still heart-wrenching, but I realized that just being sad wasn't helping anyone. But guiding them through their days, showing them what love really looks like, and making sure that they smiled did help. Drawing fun pictures with them, watching them ride their bikes, or playing cards.. They all seemed like such simple, sometimes mundane things - but when a child has been left behind, uncared for, or hurt by the people who are supposed to protect them from the evil in the world, those little things matter.

But not all of my time with the kids was all good and happy. Ohhhh no, no, no. Not only have most of these kids have been through traumatic events, and also have pretty severe behavioral issues. This leads to a lot of interesting situations.. I've been punched, shut in a door frame, and pushed out of a chair. I've been called a bitch by an 8 year old (and a whole lot of other choice words). Usually because they have to clean their rooms or finish lunch. What may seem like a simple or ordinary task for a normal kid, sometimes ends up in a couple-hour event with these kids. But that's what we are there for - to provide structure in their lives, guide them toward behavior that is healthy, and make sure they know they are cared for and safe. But for every curse word yelled or fist thrown, there's always something positive to match. Hearing a little kid tell you that you make "the best cinnamon rolls ever!", or getting a hug just because, or holding hands with two little ones who insist on skipping down the street singing 'jingle bells' at the top of their lungs.. Those things far surpass all of the bad.

This week was the first time I had to say goodbye to one of my little ones. Since I have been interning, there have been a few kids that have come and gone. There are usually a couple that only stay a few weeks - more of a transition time than anything - so we don't get to know them too well. But some of the kids have been there for 6 months to a year, and those are the ones that everyone gets attached to. This week one of the girls was leaving to go back home to her parents that she had not lived with in years.

The first time I ever met her was my very first shift - she came up to me and said "Do you know how to french braid? Can you do my hair?" She had a bit of a reputation as one of the kids who had a harder time regulating herself and often got into trouble.. And she didn't seem to talk to just anyone. So I told her yes, I could, and yes, I would. And that became our little ritual every Saturday. She would finish all of her morning tasks and then I would do her hair for the day. I have no idea why she wanted to talk to me when she barely talked to some of the staff that had been there for years, but I didn't ask why. I just was happy that for some reason she was letting me in. We had some rough days and some really great days and some in between - but for some reason, she really touched my heart. Many people didn't seem to have much hope for her, due to her behavior of constantly acting out even though she had been in treatment for nearly a year, but I could see through it. I could see that this behavior wasn't the result of a uncaring, rebellious child.. It was the behavior of a little girl who had been betrayed and broken, and who never seen or felt what true love was.

I couldn't say straight to her, "HEY. JESUS LOVES YOU!" Partially due to work reasons, but also (honestly) she probably wouldn't care. Or at least, act like she didn't. I didn't force niceness on her or interrogate her with questions on why she acted the way she did. I just let her know that I knew she tried to be the best she could be, and then I knew it was hard, and that she truly was a sweet and kind girl.

Yesterday I woke up and felt terrible - any other day I would have simply called in sick and slept in. But it was my last day to see her and I wasn't going to miss that! When I arrived, I told her that I didn't feel well and explained why I came anyway.. She tried to act like she was too cool to care, but started smiling anyway when I said that I came because I wouldn't miss the last day I could see her. :) Last night I wrote her a letter (every staff writes a note to kids who are leaving for them to remember them by) and let her know that she would be missed. That I saw some wonderful and beautiful changes in her during the time that I was there, and that I truly enjoyed getting to know her. That she was a sweet, kind girl who could do anything that she really wanted to do.

The word bittersweet has always struck me as odd. I understood its textbook definition, but until this past week I don't think I have ever really felt its meaning. I had gotten to know this little girl and saw the good in her that I felt that no one else wanted to see. I had seen what a broken childhood does to an innocent child. And now, all of a sudden, she was leaving. I will likely never see her again. And I can't know what will happen when she does get home. I can't protect this little girl, or any other of the children, once they are back in the world. I have to trust that the system will do its job.. But I know that it doesn't always work in the way it is supposed to. She is going back to her parents that hopefully will care for her in the way that every child deserves, and show her love that is genuine and forever. But what if that doesn't happen? What if she is hurt in some way again? What if any of these children are? What happens when I feel hopeless and helpless and completely powerless to the evils of the world that hurt the most innocent of children?

I pray for these children daily. When I'm away from them and when I am with them. But when my heart is heavy with this burden, sometimes prayer doesn't seem to feel like enough.

At church today, we sang a song that was so perfect that I just started crying. This is definitely not something I usually do.. But as we were singing, I could barely form the words from holding back tears. If you would like to listen to the song, click here. I may feel hopeless but I know that the maker can calm the storms and protect from evil. I will have to continually, daily, lift my eyes and ask for these children and myself to feel the love and protection of God. This is one of the most difficult things that I have had on my heart in my 20 years of life.. But all I can do is love them, pray for them, and lift my eyes.

I Will Lift My Eyes

Bebo Norman

God My God, I cry out

our beloved needs you now

God be near, calm my fear 

and take my doubt 

your kindness is what pulls me up, 

your love is all that draws me in 

I will lift my eyes 

to the maker of the mountains 

I can't climb 

I will lift my eyes 

to the calmer

of the oceans

raging wild

I will lift my eyes 

to the healer

of the hurt 

I hold inside

I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to you

God my God let mercy sing 

her melody over me 

God right here all I bring is all of me 

Your kindness is what pulls me up, 

your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes 

to the maker of the mountains 

I can't climb 

I will lift my eyes 

to the calmer

of the oceans 

raging wild

I will lift my eyes 

to the healer

of the hurt 

I hold inside

Cause You are 

and You were 

and You will be forever 

The lover I need to save me 

Cause you fashioned the earth 

and hold it together, 

God 

so hold me now 

Holy holiness!!

It's winter break. Finally!!

I have been terrible at posting lately due to the infinite amount of studying, projects, and papers that I was drowning in. So, so glad it is over now. I never, ever have to go to another Cognitive Psych or History & Systems class. THANK GOODNESS.

A super cute exciting blog is coming soon. I just have to finish up a little something first. :) Hopefully by tomorrow!

This blog post is short because my brain is empty still.. Sorry. :p

<3 B

life lately in iphone photos

 

 

Obviously, my life is thrilling.

In other news.. So much to do! So little time! So what do I do? I blog. Of course. ;)

But really, it is week 10 of the quarter. Which means CRAZINESS and lots of homework and projects and final papers and studying. Week 10 makes me tired to just think about. But it means that I am almost done and winter break is almost here!! So excited. :) :) :) :) Extra smilies for excitedness.

I need to go read lots of chapters and write a paper and finish a project and get ready for a presentation.. So no more blogging for me today. But there is a super fun and exciting blog coming up featuring my bridesmaids.. Can't wait :)

<3 B

Giving Thanks

Since it is Thanksgiving, it seems appropriate to have a post of what I am most thankful for.. :) I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

my love

mom

dad

joshy & katie

my grandma & grandpa

 best friends

and being a part of a new family, too :)

Feel Good Tuesday

Mondays might be horrible, but Tuesdays sometimes sneak up and say SURPRISE! TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY. It's nice when that happens.

I slept in today (purposely) and left late (also purposely) but somehow still managed to get to class in time with a parking spot RIGHT in front of my classroom. It rained buckets all day which was cold but it sounded wonderful and smelled wintery. I had my daily soy vanilla chai tea latte and it was the perfect companion to the rainy weather. I was responsible and did not spend money on new pink lipstick (because I'm poor) but Chelseywelsey, the best ever, bought me it out of the goodness of his sweet heart. I'm going to wear that sassy pink lipstick tomorrow with some heels and rock the last day before the long weekend. I went to Thai with Aryn, who is just really a little ball of sunshine and made my day infinitely better as always. I wore my big comfy coat and got compliments for its cuteness. Chelsey and I looked at baby clothes forever (shopping for a baby shower.. no bun in the oven, don't fret) and I nearly fainted at the cuteness of newborn onesies. I ate a whole pack of mentos and drank diet coke and I didn't explode (I was secretly worried I would).

All in all, a pretty good Tuesday.

<3 B

Ps, here is the front of the card I bought Chelsey for his half birthday. The inside read "All yours." I think it's pretty applicable to our relationship.. :)

How we met (in a little silver box)

We are kind of (understatement) a nerdy couple. So, it would follow, that the way we met was a little nerdy too. At the little silver box of all things technology, also known as the Apple Store.

july 24 2009

I had recently been hired, and it was my second day of training. Part of the training is to walk through the store like a customer would, in order to understand what the typical 'customer journey' is. (I tried to care. Retail is not for me, I learned.) So as I was walking around the little silver box with way too bright lights, I saw (cue angels singing) Chelsey! Ta da! It was magical and we lived happily ever after.

Just kidding. 

But really! I saw him. More his bright blue eyes than him, to be honest. The store shirt was a light, bright blue at the time and I swear his eyeballs were the same color. Yowzaaa. Seriously, look at these bad boys!!

Anyways, I kept walking. I mean, let's be honest, you can only look at someone's eyeballs for about .1 second unless you want to look like a stalker and/or serial killer. Later that day, he came up to me and asked about my tattoo. For those who don't know, I have 'Exodus 14:14' tattooed in calligraphy-like script on my left wrist. He acted really interested (weird, who is this guy?) so I explained what it meant and then kind of just stopped talking to him. Oops. Ha. :) He added me on Facebook sometime that day, and apparently lurked hard on my page to find my phone number! Creep-o. 

I got a text later that night from a number I didn't have that said something like 'You got offline when I was trying to talk to you!' Um? Who are you? You're weird. I found out it was Chelsey (I kind of forgot who he was.. I had met a lot of people that day!) I looked him up on Facebook and saw that.. DUM DUM DUM.. He had a girlfriend! What a little player. So, of course, I confronted him on it - "Um, you have a girlfriend, so.." His response? "I've been thinking of breaking up with her." Ooookaaaayyy. Sure. Except that is probably a lie, so nice try. He wanted to hang out with me (he even tried to convince me to let him take me to icecream that night - weirdo), so instead of just rejecting him, I invited him to church. Hah! He would never come. Obviously. I am such a trickster. 

Except for that morning, he actually showed up to church. And he was actually nice. And he actually really did break up with his girlfriend. (I still think that part is funny). After church, we hung out all day and then talked late into the night on my front porch, and before I knew it I was telling him just about everything about me. And I figured out I kind of liked this guy. And I still do. But don't tell him that - gotta keep some mystery in this relationship. ;) 

A Case of the Mondays and A Half Birthday

This ^^ is exactly how I feel about the world at this moment.

Today is most definitely a Monday. Woke up late, left the house late, got stuck in a 7+ mile backup on I-5, it's cold and dreary outside, I forgot to eat breakfast, and twice (TWICE!) a giant raindrop came out of nowhere and dripped on my head. Also I have to write a long paper tonight. It's about love. Which I am not feeling at the moment. Waaah. Feel bad for me! (Whiney rant)

BUT! Alas!! Today still has a little tiny bit of happiness bursting through despite the fact is a Monday (which is, by definition, is horrible). I still have this sparkly ring on my finger (which I keep looking at instead of listening to my professor) and it is my love's half-birthday today! Most people don't celebrate half-birthdays, but they should! You're half-way to a day that's all about you. That's worth celebrating.  ;) So, dearest Chelsey Wood, I have a card for you to commemorate you turning 23.5 years old. It has a picture of french fries on the front and is funny. We should probably get french fries while you read it. And actually, I bought it a week ago just to be nice (it is just a random 'I love you!' card) but let's pretend it is for your half birthday! Hurray!
+ Tomorrow is my half birthday.
+ I am going to Thai for dinner with Aryn, my dear sweet friend, tomorrow. I love Thai food.
+ I get to go to a baby shower on Wednesday. I can't wait to see those tiny baby socks!!
+ Do you realize that Thanksgiving, is in 3 days!? I am going to eat all of the mashed potatoes that my small self can handle. Bring on the food coma.

I guess Monday isn't so bad after all. :)


<3 B


P.S. Coming soon, a little info post about Fiancéman + I, how we met, and other lovely things. Tonight or tomorrow! Probably tonight while I'm procrastinating on my paper. Let's just be honest.

happy birthday dad!

 

    

Today was my dad's 43rd birthday! I decided to do a little throw-back, and make him a cake similar to one I made him when I was a wee tot of only 3 years! How sweet am I? Just kidding. Kind of.

Sequence of photos: 

1. Me, at 3 years old. That cake is truly horrible.

2. Me, at 20 years old. With the cupcake + pretty version of the guitar cake!

3. My dad getting all teary-eyed over everything, per usual. :p

4. My little card I gave him (inside was the picture of me as a lil' baby.)

5. Dad & I :)

5. The creation! Whammy-bar and all. Go me.

That's all for tonight. I'm excited about this little blog.. Let's see if I can stick to it! (Probably not.)

It's official - We're engaged!

It happened! We're engaged! Hurray!
Can you tell I'm just a little excited? I really am. Sigh. :) My heart loves his heart.

Here's the proposal story...

First off, I knew this was coming soon. We had talked about getting engaged, looked at rings a few times, and let's be honest - I bugged him just about everyday about it. ;) But somehow, this sneaky sneak made it a complete surprise! I had no idea.. He had me fooled.

I had asked my friend Hillary to get coffee last Friday, but she was busy and suggested we grab dinner on Sunday (last weekend). I had this tiny little bit of hope in my heart that Chelsey was going to have some clever plan over the weekend & ask me, but next thing I knew it was Sunday afternoon and my sad little ring finger was still naked and lonely. Patience may be a virtue but it is not one that I have.. No siree. Sorry!

So off to Seattle I went with my dear Hillary. We stopped by my boss' office to do some last minute work things, and she was acting a little bit weird. Usually so laid-back and go-with-the-flow, she kept asking if I was done, reminding me she was hungry, and saying her stomach was growling. Sassy McSass. Sheesh lady (I said in my head) and finished up working - and we headed to Buca de Beppo. Hanging out with Hill had been my idea, so I had no suspicion anything was happening that night at all. But of course, mister tricky Chelsey Wood got me. :)

We got into the restaurant, and Hillary said she forgot her wallet so she had to run to the car. While she was supposedly out grabbing her wallet, she texted me 'I have to repark, I'll be back in a few!' But then, out of nowhere, Chelsey pops up. "Hi!", he says. Me: "What are you doing here? Where is Hillary? Why are you here? Where did she go!?!?" Him: cool, calm, collected. Acting completely normal and convincing. After about 10 minutes of talking, he finally convinced me that he had just wanted to surprise me for dinner - we hadn't spent much time together in the past week & he wanted to do something nice for me - so Hillary had dropped me off here, knowing he'd show up for a sweet dinner surprise. He acted so nonchalant about the whole ordeal that he totally had me fooled! We had a yummy dinner and ate lots and lots of bruschetta and pasta. Italians know how to do it right, lemme tell ya.

While walking to his car, Chelsey asked what I wanted to do. In my head I realized that I could figure out if something was happening - if it was, then we were likely going to go somewhere in Seattle - so I said "Oh.. I'm tired. Let's just go home." And he said no! Let's try something new and exciting! AHA. I knew it. Something is going down. Detective Brianna Celli on the case. So we start driving, and wind up near Lake Union by a little place I've never seen before. He tells me I might want to change into something warmer as we are going to be outside. What is this guy planning? Hmm. As we walk towards this small building (kind of scary at night - I was afraid if he didn't propose, he was bringing me here to murder me) I see someone SPRINTING across the street, not far in front of us. UM, hello, WAIT! I say. Is that Hillary!? Chelsey says no no no it's not, it must have just looked like her. Hmm.. Weird. ;)

We walked into this small little empty building, an office of The Electric Boat Company. What is this place!? Why am I here? The anticipation is killing me. I am so impatient. A little old lady (the owner, I think)wandered out from the back, and Chelsey walked me out to what looked like a boat dock. A small little boat decorated in lights was at the end of the dock, and just then I knew that it was just for me. The man that worked at this little shop helped us in and said 'Have fun you two!' GASP. What? Who is going to be driving this thing exactly? I am scared of water in case you didn't know. And water at night is worse, because there are probably monsters in there.
But Chelsey had learned how to drive the boat earlier that week, so apparently he was our captain for the night! Precious. Once in the boat, I saw that the entire inside had been decorated - there were rose petals everywhere, a little lace-covered table with lit candles, photos of Chelsey & I, sparkling cider, and a dozen red roses. Sigh. :)

Once we were out into the middle of the lake, Chelsey picked up his guitar (conveniently located inside of the boat) and told me he was going to sing a song he had written for me. Double sigh. It was just about the sweetest thing I had ever heard. I may have teared up a little. He may have, too. :)
Then we had to pause all the romanticness for a few moments because we were very super duper close to crashing our cute little boat into lots of other boats.. Apparently boats drift from wind! Who knew.

After Chelsey had safely navigated us away from certain death, he gave me a little speech about how he loved me and I was the most beautiful girl in the world (+1000 points Chelsey!) and a lot of other sweet things.. and all of a sudden, he was on one knee, and I was crying, and he was crying, and then we were engaged. There were a lot of tears and hugs and 'IS THIS REAL LIFE?' and happiness flying all over the place. It was wonderful. :)

Upon getting back to the dock, Hillary was there to take some photos of us post-engagement and capture the inside of the boat for our memories. What a wonderful, wonderful friend!! It was an amazing night.

But wait! The goodness does not stop there. There is more happiness & surprises to be had! The plan was to go to Chelsey's house to celebrate with his family, and then to my house to do the same - but on the way back, he said he had to pick something up at the church offices (which happen to be in a giant beautiful mansion.) We were walking up to the mansion, and all of a sudden I see through the windows my sister, his brother.. and I realized that we were celebrating here and everyone had shown up just for us for a little engagement party! Chelsey's parents, siblings, niece & nephew, grandparents + my parents, siblings & grandparents had all coordinated to come and surprise me again to celebrate! It was so wonderful to be able to share the excitement with everyone.. A beautiful ending to a perfect night. :)

Below are some photos of the night - some of the inside of the boat, a few of me and Chelsey, and of course a close-up of the ring (so gorgeous!) I am so thankful for you, Chelsey Wood. You have my whole heart for my whole life. <3