As many of you likely know, I am a senior + a psychology major at SPU. Since my very first psychology class during the very first quarter of my college career, I fell in love with it. I couldn't get enough, and I have been basically obsessed with it ever since. It was scary and wonderful to find something that I loved, and I realized that my calling was to be a therapist. It took the first two years to find out what that really meant (what populations I wanted to work with, what schooling I needed/wanted, etc) but eventually I decided I will be applying to SPU's Marriage & Family Therapy program for fall of 2012.. So let's keep our fingers crossed that I get in. :) But anyway.. All of that is just kind of background information to what I'm really getting at.
Part of graduating with a psychology degree at SPU is having an internship - SPU has a big long list of different internship sites. It spans just about every area: case management, working in prisons, Union Gospel Mission, working with children, etc. Last year I started looking at the sites to figure out what I wanted to do, and I realized I had no idea. I just needed to start getting experience, and soon! So I started calling up a few internship sites and figuring out where I could go. One of the first places that I contacted was an intensive residential treatment for severely emotionally and behaviorally impaired children who have experienced abuse and neglect. A lot of the sites were full or not accepting interns until fall (it was summer at the time), but about a month later I received an email from the hiring supervisor from this site, and before I knew it they were asking me when I wanted to start!
At first, I was terrified. I had never worked with children who had these types of emotional, behavioral and developmental issues. They were pretty little kids - 6-12 years old. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, and I wasn't really given much guidance other than to ask questions if I needed help. I promised myself I would just stay until the end of the summer - even if I hated it, it would help me figure out what I did (or didn't) want to do with my future career.
My first day came around, and it was much different than I expected. It was basically a giant home, filled with lots of kids, doing pretty normal things all day. During the school year they attend public school, but since it was summer they did activities that every other child would - rode bikes, played video games, went on fun outings around the area, colored, etc. But some things weren't so 'normal'. My first day I had one of the little girls hold my hand and tell me she used to hold hands with her mommy before she went to sleep. Comments like these were made out of complete innocence; they weren't said to elicit a certain response. These kids, for one reason or another, ended up here. Drugs, violence, neglect, abuse.. The list of reasons why each child there is unique, and goes on and on. But all of them are heartbreaking.
My first 4 or 5 shifts, I cried the entire drive home. My heart was aching for these children. I was angry and I was confused. How could these parents abandon these precious children? What could possibly possess anyone to hurt or neglect them? I had no answers for questions that were breaking my heart daily. I have always wanted to fix and save everyone in the world - this was no different. I wanted to magically repair all the damage that had been done to every child and somehow erase all the evil that had infiltrated their lives. But I couldn't. And I felt hopeless.
Eventually, it got easier to deal with. Knowing what these children had been through was still heart-wrenching, but I realized that just being sad wasn't helping anyone. But guiding them through their days, showing them what love really looks like, and making sure that they smiled did help. Drawing fun pictures with them, watching them ride their bikes, or playing cards.. They all seemed like such simple, sometimes mundane things - but when a child has been left behind, uncared for, or hurt by the people who are supposed to protect them from the evil in the world, those little things matter.
But not all of my time with the kids was all good and happy. Ohhhh no, no, no. Not only have most of these kids have been through traumatic events, and also have pretty severe behavioral issues. This leads to a lot of interesting situations.. I've been punched, shut in a door frame, and pushed out of a chair. I've been called a bitch by an 8 year old (and a whole lot of other choice words). Usually because they have to clean their rooms or finish lunch. What may seem like a simple or ordinary task for a normal kid, sometimes ends up in a couple-hour event with these kids. But that's what we are there for - to provide structure in their lives, guide them toward behavior that is healthy, and make sure they know they are cared for and safe. But for every curse word yelled or fist thrown, there's always something positive to match. Hearing a little kid tell you that you make "the best cinnamon rolls ever!", or getting a hug just because, or holding hands with two little ones who insist on skipping down the street singing 'jingle bells' at the top of their lungs.. Those things far surpass all of the bad.
This week was the first time I had to say goodbye to one of my little ones. Since I have been interning, there have been a few kids that have come and gone. There are usually a couple that only stay a few weeks - more of a transition time than anything - so we don't get to know them too well. But some of the kids have been there for 6 months to a year, and those are the ones that everyone gets attached to. This week one of the girls was leaving to go back home to her parents that she had not lived with in years.
The first time I ever met her was my very first shift - she came up to me and said "Do you know how to french braid? Can you do my hair?" She had a bit of a reputation as one of the kids who had a harder time regulating herself and often got into trouble.. And she didn't seem to talk to just anyone. So I told her yes, I could, and yes, I would. And that became our little ritual every Saturday. She would finish all of her morning tasks and then I would do her hair for the day. I have no idea why she wanted to talk to me when she barely talked to some of the staff that had been there for years, but I didn't ask why. I just was happy that for some reason she was letting me in. We had some rough days and some really great days and some in between - but for some reason, she really touched my heart. Many people didn't seem to have much hope for her, due to her behavior of constantly acting out even though she had been in treatment for nearly a year, but I could see through it. I could see that this behavior wasn't the result of a uncaring, rebellious child.. It was the behavior of a little girl who had been betrayed and broken, and who never seen or felt what true love was.
I couldn't say straight to her, "HEY. JESUS LOVES YOU!" Partially due to work reasons, but also (honestly) she probably wouldn't care. Or at least, act like she didn't. I didn't force niceness on her or interrogate her with questions on why she acted the way she did. I just let her know that I knew she tried to be the best she could be, and then I knew it was hard, and that she truly was a sweet and kind girl.
Yesterday I woke up and felt terrible - any other day I would have simply called in sick and slept in. But it was my last day to see her and I wasn't going to miss that! When I arrived, I told her that I didn't feel well and explained why I came anyway.. She tried to act like she was too cool to care, but started smiling anyway when I said that I came because I wouldn't miss the last day I could see her. :) Last night I wrote her a letter (every staff writes a note to kids who are leaving for them to remember them by) and let her know that she would be missed. That I saw some wonderful and beautiful changes in her during the time that I was there, and that I truly enjoyed getting to know her. That she was a sweet, kind girl who could do anything that she really wanted to do.
The word bittersweet has always struck me as odd. I understood its textbook definition, but until this past week I don't think I have ever really felt its meaning. I had gotten to know this little girl and saw the good in her that I felt that no one else wanted to see. I had seen what a broken childhood does to an innocent child. And now, all of a sudden, she was leaving. I will likely never see her again. And I can't know what will happen when she does get home. I can't protect this little girl, or any other of the children, once they are back in the world. I have to trust that the system will do its job.. But I know that it doesn't always work in the way it is supposed to. She is going back to her parents that hopefully will care for her in the way that every child deserves, and show her love that is genuine and forever. But what if that doesn't happen? What if she is hurt in some way again? What if any of these children are? What happens when I feel hopeless and helpless and completely powerless to the evils of the world that hurt the most innocent of children?
I pray for these children daily. When I'm away from them and when I am with them. But when my heart is heavy with this burden, sometimes prayer doesn't seem to feel like enough.
At church today, we sang a song that was so perfect that I just started crying. This is definitely not something I usually do.. But as we were singing, I could barely form the words from holding back tears. If you would like to listen to the song, click here. I may feel hopeless but I know that the maker can calm the storms and protect from evil. I will have to continually, daily, lift my eyes and ask for these children and myself to feel the love and protection of God. This is one of the most difficult things that I have had on my heart in my 20 years of life.. But all I can do is love them, pray for them, and lift my eyes.
I Will Lift My Eyes
Bebo Norman
God My God, I cry out
our beloved needs you now
God be near, calm my fear
and take my doubt
your kindness is what pulls me up,
your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes
to the maker of the mountains
I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
to the calmer
of the oceans
raging wild
I will lift my eyes
to the healer
of the hurt
I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to you
God my God let mercy sing
her melody over me
God right here all I bring is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up,
your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes
to the maker of the mountains
I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
to the calmer
of the oceans
raging wild
I will lift my eyes
to the healer
of the hurt
I hold inside
Cause You are
and You were
and You will be forever
The lover I need to save me
Cause you fashioned the earth
and hold it together,
God
so hold me now
